Resolved: To Believe

First day of 2011… Yeah I don’t have anything profound to say. 2010 was quite a roller coaster for me on so many levels. Ok, total honesty, the first few months of 2010 very well were awful. But it got better… or maybe I could say I got stronger… or God got bigger. Except all three of those things aren’t true. It didn’t really get better, cause there wasn’t that much specifically “wrong” with it in the first place. I didn’t get stronger because I am a weak person by nature. And God didn’t get bigger because He never changes, He is the same from the start of time to the end of it.

I could say that God stayed as faithful as He has always been and always will be and I simply learned to rely more heavily on that and in turn my faith grew stronger which gave me the ability to face life more optimistically. At any rate, the year took an upswing after the month of May. Summer may have had a bit to do with that. I got closer to people and met new friends. I developed a solid and reliable “family” outside of my real family. My closest friends made up that family and I leaned on them alot. Well, not truly on them, because they always pointed me back to Christ and made me lean on Him. But they were always here for me. I went to camp and caught some fire from that as always. I was just learning, you know?

Fall came around and the crazyness began. School started, with its oh-so-pressing homework loads. And I got into debate… Ha. I could just say “the rest is history” and I think every single one of my friends would understand. For all the conversations ended, hangout times cut short, and general lack of time once I began debate I am sincerely and very much sorry. Alas, I found a “sport” that took over every spare second I had. And if you don’t know me well, that isn’t an exaggeration. At all. And I’m just going to throw out a special apology to Emily Coyle and Coartney Freeland who always manage to catch me as I’m leaving to go research some random aspect of politics or Russia. [*whispers* I'msupersupersorry.]

I think I’ve talked about this with Julie or Jordan more than once. School and nerdy things take over my life and they serve as my cover. As Jordan calls it, my “rock.” The thing I can hide behind and avoid life through. When I’m wrapped up in school, it’s easy to just avoid life, cause all I ever do is school. But alot of stuff happened in fall that I couldn’t avoid. Some things I can’t talk about, other things, like Aria’s death, aren’t so private. No matter the circumstance however, alot of stuff happened in the fall that was hard to deal with, not just because it was difficult in general but because of school and debate and things I didn’t have TIME to emotionally deal with it. Breaks are good for that. Haha, I remember one time my parents went away for the night and my two amazing friends/sisters Katie and Julie were coming over. But they hadn’t arrive yet, and I don’t remember what caused it but I just called Julie crying my eyes out and I had a total breakdown, simply because I couldn’t deal with something that had happened cause I didn’t have time thanks to homework. So yeah, stressful fall, but I got through it. Cause despite the crazy hecticness, God is good and faithful. He walked with me every second of it and never once let me go.

Winter has been good. Drowned in school and debate but less drama and an amazing group of people surrounding me. My family [both biological and non biological] rock. My mom and dad are pretty much the bestest. My siblings [legal or otherwise] are like indescribably amazing and I cannot say how much I love them. They dug me out of my little hole of debate and homework long enough to remind me that they are here for me. That they love me. That they aren’t going anywhere. That I need to keep relying on a God that doesn’t ever change. That I need to remember and take time to breathe [cause I have a tendency to think that breathing is overrated.] That I need to stop going going going and step back and thank God and thank people. That I need to stop giving giving giving and step back and let others give to me, invest in me, love me. That I can’t always be the one reach out all the time because sometimes I need that love too. They teach me. They teach me humility.

Because I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m not a strong christian at all, but in fact weak, relient on Christ for strength yes, but the strength isn’t my own it is still His. I am weak. And I am humbled that Jesus loves even me… That people love even me… Undeserving.

This year I’ve learned that a whole lot. That I am undeserving. Unworthy.

But somehow, through some reverse sort of justice and mercy I receive. Love. Grace. An inheritance. Peace. Joy. Freedom… I have friends that love me and family that loves me. I have a house over my head and journals to write in. I have air to breathe. Air I’m not worthy of breathing cause I’m a wretch and a failure. I am undeserving and yet Gods grace is about being undeserving and receiving anyway.

2011 will be about learning and moving. Moving for the things God has brought into my life. Moving for grace. Because the world desperately needs more of it. The world is broken, and there are a whole bunch of undeserving people who have received life without being worthy of it. A whole bunch of people that we Christians call the church, that doesn’t move to share the miracle they hold. We just don’t get it do we? But if there’s something I know too clearly, it’s that time is short. Death seems far, but really it’s not. It’s near… We don’t have time to be wasting. Church, rise to the occasion. A new year awaits you.

Resolved for 2011: that I’ll believe in these things and actually live them. That I’ll wake up and remember that the time is now. That I won’t forget how short life is. That I won’t fall asleep like so many other Christians…