Consume Me. [From the Inside Out.]

Dying to self.

If I had to sum up the past two weeks in three words, that would describe it. Not just sacrifices here and there, but rather, completely becoming dead to myself, in order to become alive in Christ. Jesus spoke a great truth in Luke 9, ““Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

It’s difficult to write about everything I’ve learned recently because I’m still so near to it. But I’m writing this in the car on the way home from spending two weeks as a [basically] junior counselor at Alpine Bible Camp [see my last post.] There’s so much on my heart and mind but being dead to myself is the first thing. These past two weeks haven’t been about me. Yet in some ways, it’s been so much about me. It’s crazy how much two weeks of working in a [somewhat] leadership position forces you to stop thinking about yourself and focus on others. “Camp is for the campers.” Is a famous motto at Alpine. I wasn’t there to serve myself, but to serve others.

It took work. Work and patience and everything else involved in “taking up [my] cross” and “following [Christ.]” Everything else involved in being dead to ones self. There are so many instances where I had to step back and pray in my mind “God give me words.” “God give me patience.” “God help them understand.” And “God help them believe…”

Braden, the director of the program, told us the very first day that “these two weeks are going to stretch you in ways, perhaps that you don’t want to be stretched. It’s going to involve a lot of self-sacrifice. God can use these weeks to change you, but only if you die to yourself and allow him too.” Self-sacrifice. A huge thing involved in the work I was doing.

I had to sacrifice sleep to get up in the mornings and be consistent with my devotions. Not because I always wanted to, but because it’s what I knew I needed to do. And even though the late nights and early mornings wore on me, the consistency of being in Gods word, for extended periods of time, built me up.

I had to sacrifice comfort to hug crying campers who are soaked with pond water and smell like fish eggs. Not because I always wanted to, but because that’s what helped my campers realize I cared about them. And even though I had to change my shirt a few times a day, connecting with the campers made it worth the extra laundry.

I had to sacrifice personal space in order to learn to trust the people I was working with. Not because I always wanted to, but because it built us up as a team. And even though letting people get close to me seemed a bit daunting at first, the friendships that have resulted, I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I had to sacrifice pride when I realized that the nine year old I was talking to, had questions about God I really had no clue how to answer.

One girl told me her dad was an alcoholic, did drugs, and cheated on her mom before they were divorced. What do I say to that? To people who’s best friends have died. Even to those who are simply questioning their faith… There’s no right answer. I can hug them, but that changes nothing once their home. I can only continually point them back up to Christ and hope they understand how much I love them, though I’ve only known them for a week.

I can’t explain why some things hurt so badly. But I do know God is with those who are in pain. With those who aren’t sure he exists. With those who need re-assurance. With those who need him so desperately but don’t want Him at all. And with me when I haven’t got the words to make anything better, less confusing, or more comprehensible. Sometimes I didn’t even say anything. I just cried with them. Felt the hurts and confusion their little eight, nine, or ten year old minds didn’t understand either.

The reality is, these two weeks have taught me how incapable I am. How little experience I have. How much I am NOT qualified. That I can change nothing… But that God is able to use vessels that are incapable. That He has the experience I lack. That He gives me the words when I don’t have them. That it’s not my job to save people, but Jesus who does the saving. 1 Corinthians 1:27 says “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

I led three of my campers to Christ in the past two weeks. But it wasn’t me. I didn’t have the words. God gave them to me. I wasn’t able to do it by myself. That’s why it’s so beautiful…

Being dead to myself means giving up self-relience. I can’t do anything without Christ. I can’t even breathe without Him. Being dead to myself means laying down what I want. Laying down my dreams. My future. My hopes. My desires. Why? Because Jesus says “Whoever will save his life shall lose it: and whoever will lose his life for my sake shall gain it.”  [Matthew 16:25]

Even looking back I’m seeing how many times I couldn’t have made it through the past two weeks without Christ, and the people around me. We were nuts but we learned so much. About God. About each other. So to all the counselors. All the staff in general. And specifically to Cheryl, Laura, Bethany, Shelly, Mike, Josh, Michael, Dustin, Cody, Braden, Marlee, JJ, Laura, and Grace. Thank you for making these past two weeks the most challenging and rewarding of my life. Thank you for taking time to get to know me and teaching me things that were hard to learn but needed to be said. God’s been incredible. Keep seeking Him.

“Count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” [Romans 6:11]

[[Your will above all else, my purpose remains / The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.]]