Let your heart find a home. Let yourself move on. And if it takes time, don’t be overly hard on yourself. Some of these quotes are from my best friends. Some, are from people I’m not friends with anymore. From people who have hurt me. But the great thing about truth is that it isn’t dependent on circumstances. Truth is unchanging. No matter where it comes from. And the lessons learned are still worth it.

Because nobody has the right to say you aren’t beautiful. Nobody has the right to say you aren’t worth it. But just as much, you don’t have the right to convince yourself of that either. Don’t tell yourself you can’t do something. Don’t tell yourself you’re not good enough. That your past somehow alters who you are as a person. It doesn’t. You’re forgiven. You mean so much to me. More than I can really say.  So remember these things. Some of them are brutally honest, but sometimes that’s what it takes to understand. Just remember:

“If you hide the proof of what God has done, you’ll never be able to share His story like you could otherwise. Your scars are the proof.”

“You can be strong. You will always have that choice. But it’s not in your own strength you’ll get through this, but His strength and faithfulness.”

“This isn’t about you. It’s not even one tiny bit about you. Stop focusing on yourself. This is all about God and what HE can do THROUGH you. You aren’t doing one thing. Don’t even try to claim credit for that.”

“You are beautiful because your being goes beyond the paltry two millimeters of skin covering your body. You are beautiful for what you feel and how you love. True friends recognize this in you. Best friends affirm it and stand as constant reminders so you never lose sight of who you truly are.”

“And all the 2 am phone calls are worth it, if only you’ll continue to understand that you. are. loved. And nothing can ever change that.”

“You’re not worthless. If there is one thing God doesn’t know how to do, it’s create worthless people. He doesn’t make trash to be thrown out. It’s not who He is…”

“Sure, you have a past. So do I. So does everyone. But living in the past makes you forget the future, when really, you should be letting your past CHANGE your future. For Christ.”

“Maybe it was emotional and dramatic. And maybe we did stupid things. But if we can look back and say we learned from it, then who’s to say it wasn’t worth it?”

“Why on earth would we ever be less than crazy? That would take all the fun out of life.”

“Sure, we fight sometimes. But we’d never let the frustration stay forever. Friends don’t do that.”

“I  was never disappointed. I loved you anyway.”

“Sitting together and forgetting the world. Those moments make my life.”

“No matter how many cans of Redbull you drink, how little you sleep, or crazy you dress, I’ll still think you’re beautiful. Because you are.”

“Your scars are beautiful. They couldn’t be anything else. They define healing, not pain.”

“I think for a lot of us, our friendships are built on suffering. Like the pain never did anything but make us closer.”

“You’re not crazy for the way you feel. It’s hard cause people you really care about aren’t’ always there for you. And they do things they shouldn’t and it hurts. Stop trying to minimize the pain. Just let it hurt. It gets better eventually. But nothing heals if you won’t even acknowledge the existence of a wound.”

“You are sooo not getting rid of me. Even if I have to like hogtie you and like hang you from the ceiling.”

“And sometimes, I didn’t think we were all gonna make it out alive. Maybe we still might not. But there’s hope.  And I was just praying and asking God to let us have a breath of fresh air and be okay for once. And it happened. <3″

“Never give up. Never lose hope. Because you will never stop being loved.”

“I’m even singing Taylor Swift because of you.”

“No matter how dark it gets, Jesus is holding your heart and I’m holding your hand.”

“I love you even when you hug me with wet hair.”

~~~~~

[[I started writing, just what I'd say / if we were face to face. /
I'd tell you, just what you mean to me.]]

Last year I remember sitting at my computer, writing something for my blog and thinking to myself “wow, 2010 was overall… disappointing.” A lot had happened that year, sure, but overall I was disappointed. xD So I guess God was like “whaaa? I need to make her life more interesting.”  Just kidding, he probably thought “she’s so weird, I think I’m going to change her perception of every major thing in life just to see how she reacts.” Or something like that. Because 2011 was crazy. Some amazing highlights:

FASD [March]: This tournament is such a great memory! On one hand it made me really frustrated because despite all the ridiculous amounts of time I’d put into debate prepping, I didn’t advance past prelim rounds at that tournament. Mostly I think that’s because if I had, my ego would have basically been floating away like the house in the movie Up. xD But the tourney was filled with going crazy with close friends, a few really great discussions, lots of hugs, and it was just overall fun. Definitely a good memory there. Plus I very distinctly remember insulted Rush Limbaugh in one of my speeches. I still hold that to be one of my favorite debate rounds ever.

Song: Lifesong – Casting Crowns 

Easter [April]: So only a few people are going to understand why this past Easter was so significant for me. That’s ok. But for those who understand this date: I couldn’t have done it without you. <3 1 year.

Song: I Will Rise – Chris Tomlin

PHC Journalism Camp [June]: Ahaha. Uhm. I could talk about that week of my life for hours. My two dear friends Sarah and Emby and I all roomed together. It was the first time any of us had met outside of chatting via our online school and gmail. But that mattered entirely not at all. We meshed instantly and I had soooo much fun. But more than that, that week was really needed for all three of us. I had recently been having to detach myself from a few not so healthy friendships. [Not entirely of my own choice.] So I was feeling kind of lonely. And those two girls completely made me go “Alone? AHAHAHa WHO AM I KIDDING?” xD Ohmygoodness I love them. God used that week as a turning point for all three of us. And for all the late nights when we were supposed to be in bed but decided if we were touching the beds, it was close enough. And for the sugar highs [I brought a backpack literally filled with candy.] And the weird articles we wrote for the newspaper. Emby and Sarah, thank you for being awesome. I love you both.

Song: Whatever You’re Doing - Sanctus Real

SRT [July/August]:  I’ve mentioned my weeks of working at Alpine this past summer a few times, [and even wrote a whole blog post about it here.] Those weeks were easily some of the best in my whole life. I met some amazing people in those I was working with. And working with the kids there was like getting smacked in the face. When 9 and 10 year olds have questions about God you can’t answer, it’s eye opening. Not because there aren’t sunday school answers, but you can’t just dish out platitudes and expect them to just be like “oh, ok.” Some of those kids came from really broken homes and families. And it was hard to watch because I wanted to just keep them and never send them back to that environment. It forced me to stop looking at how bad I thought my own life was. If God is going to increase, then I must decrease. Until there is nothing of me and all of Christ. That is the overall lesson from working there. That I’m not important. God is.

Song: From The Inside Out – Seventh Day Slumber
 

Cedarville [September]: I didn’t learn anything particular monumental during the trip. It’s just a really good memory. I toured Cedarville university [and consequently fell in love with it. Here’s to hoping I win the lottery so I can attend there.] I got to hang out with a really close friend [and really overprotective brother] of mine, Walk, for the first time in person. [We’d known each other for around... 3ish years via my online school? Yeah. I meet a lot of my closest friends via TPS. ]. As well as spend a few nights with my friend Keri and my friend Grace who I worked with at Alpine. And then I got to stop at my siblings college on the way home and hang with them for a bit. [Which is always awesome cause I love them.] Just good memories.

Song:  Burn Out Bright – Switchfoot

Christmas [December]: Easily one of the best Christmas’s of my life. God completely used it. I had so many opportunities to talk with my relatives about my faith. Which essentially happens once in a blue moon. Watching God work was incredible. It usually is, but still, this christmas in particular.

Song: God Is With Us – Casting Crowns 

Yep. And I can add today to that list of awesome events, because I’m not disappointed like I was last year. I’m so much different and so much more focused on my walk with my Savior. I wrote in my blog post last year:

“2011 will be about learning and moving. Moving for the things God has brought into my life. Moving for grace. Because the world desperately needs more of it.”

And I definitely believe with God’s help, I fulfilled that. I’m looking forward to an incredible year in 2012. With God as my strength, my family as my support, and my dearest friends as my help along the way.

Oh and speaking of dear friends. I made some pretty awesome ones this year. And developed a few relationships I’d already had. And kept going strong with some people I was already close too. It would take me ages to name names. xD you guys know who you are.  Even though some of you are states and even oceans apart. I love you all. *group hug.* Here’s to making 2012 even more amazing than 2011.

AND some things I’m looking forward too in 2012, just because this my blog and I can make this post ridiculously long:

• -Tournament season!
• -Only having three classes this semester!
• -hanging with Emby because she just moved to my area two weeks ago!
• -Seeing JORDAN SPPAALLDDINNNGGG. Because she’s coming back to the states and I haven’t seen here for two years, and she’s kind of, basically, justmightbe one of my BESTEST friends EVER. And I miss her so much. BUT I SEEEEE HERRRRR. Ahem. Excitement over. Maybe.
• -All the awesome things that are happening this summer!
• -Starting my senior year!
• -Being awesome!
• My theme song for the year! [2011's was Awake and Alive by Skillet.] This year, it’s Where I Belong by Switchfoot

Ok I’ll end this post now. xD

~~~~~

[[Here's to the twilight / Here's to the memories. /
These are my souvenirs / my mental pictures of everything.]] 

Last year I didn’t enjoy Christmas all that much. Partly because I had swine flu and pretty much felt miserable the whole time. Partly because my heart just wasn’t in it. Last year was just crazy and so much was going on over that winter, I felt like I was just missing the true “spirit” of the season. Christmas is supposed to be a day where even if the whole rest of the year stinks, you know you can be happy that one day. At least, for the average middle class American it seems that way. Especially for Christians, because it’s like “Today is for celebrating Christ’s birth! Yay!!!” But I was so caught up in my friendships [and the issues in my friendships] and my school, and figuring out what I was supposed to be doing in life that I wasn’t happy at all. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Christ, or want to celebrate his birth. I definitely wanted to worship my savior I just felt like I couldn’t do it the same way “everyone else” seemed to be doing it.

This year is different. Mostly because I’m different. I don’t feel weighed down anymore. Except maybe what I’m going to major in at college, but that’s beside the point. I’m learning that celebration of the birth of my Savior is not a “christmas time only” type of affair, but rather, a daily choice. And this past summer while working at a camp I pretty much adore, I had quite the heart change about the way I’d been living. I learned so much during those weeks. They helped me let go of all the things that had been weighing me down all last year… And because I began to see and act on the fact that celebrating Christ is a daily idea, not a seasonal one, I’m already in the spirit now that Christmas is finally here.

But see, Christmas isn’t about being happy anyway. The beauty of Christ’s birth is the shame in it. The glory of it is in the paradox that Christ came to this earth as a scarlet letter. Conceived out of wedlock. Born in a stable. Living a tiresome, lower class existence as the son of a carpenter. All as a testament to how much He thinks we’re worth going through. Forget your own happiness, this is about worship… It’s like thinking of all the most condemned portions of society and the creator and ruler of the universe chooses those avenues to make himself known.

He chose shepherds as the first to greet him…

History lesson for you: Shepherds weren’t the upstanding members of society at the time. They were outcasts and seen as the lowest part of the social arena. Yet Jesus decided they would be the ones to first see Him. Why? Because they knew he deserved worship. And because God knew that what culture dictates of worth is complete lies.

It’s ok to feel a little lonely sometimes. It’s ok to feel a little pressed down and tired sometimes. It’s ok to feel like you’re not worthy of being near to the savior, even though you love him so much. I felt that way last Christmas. That’s why I posted this quote here last Christmas:

“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. for this is the still time God chooses.”

Because I needed the reminder. And if you need that reminder too, take it to heart. Remember that Jesus came for the broken down and the weary. He came to rescue us out of mediocrity. Even though we’re not worthy of it. I spent all of this year learning that and I’ll continue to learn it my whole life.

And I’m realizing how disorganized this post is. Oh well. I just want you to know that if you feel “heavy laden”  like Matthew 11 talks about, then come to Christ. Especially during this season. If you feel like you can’t quite get into the spirit of things, come to Christ. He knows where you’re at. Just worship him. Let the world melt away for once. Let the drama and the chaos and the daily drag fall to the side. Just worship him. He chose to be an outcast too. Because He wanted to experience everything you experience too. He’s been there and done that. So rest. Worship. Smile. There is so much hope in Christ… And don’t worry about being worthy. I’m not either. He wants you and he doesn’t care if you’re filthy when you come to him. <3

Merry Christmas.

[[I feel compelled to tell all who will listen / That peace on earth is not so out of reach
If we can find grace, mercy and forgiveness / He has come to save, He is all of these.]]

People have tried to restrain me.
They chain me, they hold me back, try to break me.
They think these stones I use to cut myself,
just add to my reputation as crazy.

And maybe they’re right to think that,
but I never planned my life like this!
So when I saw that man approaching me,
my demons screamed at Him, to leave my abyss

I crave release, but these demons,
They spoke for me, through me, not letting me
beg this stranger, who is unafraid to approach me,
to come and unchain me, set me free.

Yet this man speaks to my dark, inner demons,
tearing them out, though their number is great.
And I scream as they leave, then collapse,
wondering who this man is, to change my fate.

With one touch of His hand, my scars vanish.
And yet, on his own wrists, like a tattoo,
I can see wounds and scars just like my own,
and I realize he has taken my shame, too…

Before I can ask, He points me back to my home,
With words that act as a balm on my once broken heart
“Tell them the Lord has had mercy on you.”
~~~~~
“And he departed and began to proclaim in Decapolis
all that Jesus had done for him; and all marveled.”
[-Mark 5]

[[And now my chains are gone, / I've been set free,
My God, my Savior, / rescued me...]] 

1. I’m thankful for honest people. Who can admit when they need help without shame. And rely on Christ through it. <3
2. I’m thankful for music because it reminds me that there is something more than just myself out here in the world. <3
3.  Sisters!
• I’m thankful for my real sister, who takes me shopping, watches tons of TV shows with me, and makes me laugh no matter how mad, upset, or sad I am. <3
• I’m thankful for my adopted sisters, who are here for me and let me crash with them whenever I need a break from life. <3
4. Brothers!
• I’m thankful for my real brother, who takes me to movies, plays music with me, lets me talk about stupid people in my life, and gives me hugs whenever I want them. <3
• I’m thankful for my adopted brothers, who creep on my guy friends, tease me to no end, and are generally amazing friends who I know I can trust. <3
5. I’m thankful for Pilot G2 pens, because they write beautifully and have recorded more of my deepest darkest secrets than I’ve ever repeated aloud. xD <3
6. Parents!
• I’m thankful for my mom, because even though I drive her crazy, she’s amazing and puts up with me, and lets me rant about all the drama in my life, and acts like she hasn’t already heard it a million times. <3
• I’m thankful for my dad, because he helps me with my calc homework, and gives good shoulder massages, and lets me rant about theology and political views even when he disagrees with me. <3
7. I’m thankful for the people I have known for years that I still know I can tell anything and they’d pray for me and love me anyway. Even if they’re sometimes half way around the world. <3
8. I’m thankful for the people I’ve only just met in recent months, who have quickly become some of my closest friends, and keep me remembering that sometimes I will lose friends, but I will always make more, new, just as amazing if not more amazing ones too. <3
9.  I’m thankful for an SLR camera to capture visually what I try to express mentally and in writing. I couldn’t survive with some form of art, and photography keeps me sane. <3
10. I’m thankful for The Gilberts and Lattany for keeping TPS as amazing as it is, because every single one of my best friends are or were TPSers. And I met all except one through TPS before meeting in person. <3
11. I’m thankful for the shows Psych, Burn Notice, and Monk. For making me laugh at the most ridiculous things and giving me funny lines to quote with my siblings.<3
12. I’m thankful for the French language for giving me a way to rant without anyone most people knowing what I’m saying. <3
13. I’m thankful for orange juice and chai tea, for keeping me awake when homework keeps me up past 2-3 AM. <3
14. I’m thankful for NCFCA for giving me an environment in which I can express my nerdiness without being the weird one. xD <3
15. I’m thankful for my savior, rescuer, and redeemer, Jesus Christ. For all the second chances He has granted me. For all the mercy and grace he’s bestowed on me. For the fact that He has set me free from so much and my chains can NEVER come back to haunt me. For the fact that He died in my place, taking what was rightfully mine. For the fact that He lives. And breathes new life into me. I’m thankful that no matter what I do, He will never abandon me. And I can never run so far that He won’t run after me. He has redeemed me, healed me, and showed me how to walk in the light of truth. He’s taught me how to love people and how to let others love me. he’s taught me how to believe in miracles. <3

The greatest musicians, knew
what gave them power.
Their music played back, the
lives of their audience.
Truth makes music a masterpiece.

Slow, stories of life.
Legato in tone. That is,
at first, until, with fury
the trials run up and down
88 facets of lingering thought.

Flying fingers over white keys
showing life at it’s barest.
A minor chord, here and there
for those moments when times are tricky.
Always running back to the places
that ring true and bright.

A major chord after a minor diversion.
Sometimes falling over a sharp
note of trial or struggle.
Mistakes corrected or integrated.
Until all runs together in a finale
of the best. Then brought to an end.

I have a dear friend who I love very much named Brenna Bakke. We met through TPS what feels like forever ago, [though it was really only 4ish years ago.] Over time, Brenna has become  one of my closest friends. Well, recently, Brenna opened up on her blog about her own struggles in life. Her post is vulnerable and she talks about battling an eating disorder and times of depression and the things that have helped her through it.

 I’ve known about her struggles for a while and we’ve had several good discussions on the topics. Really, I want to stop right now just to say “Thank you” to Brenna. For being honest. For being willing to admit openly that she isn’t as strong as she seems sometimes. She’s not as good as she says she is sometimes. She’s just as human as anyone and everyone else. What she posted was entirely revolutionary! Because it wasn’t. Just. Faked. Platitudes. And. Cliches.

I don’t find it refreshing when I hear my peers talk about perfection. I find it refreshing when my peers talk about being broken. About struggling to be strong. Because we might as well all scream it:

We are not ok. 

I think what turns people off to the church, more than anything else, is the lack of honesty. Like the Casting Crowns song depicts, sometimes we just seem like happy, plastic people, under shiny, plastic steeples, with walls around our weaknesses and smiles to hide our pain. It’s almost as if we feel that if we aren’t strong enough, we won’t be considered good enough. Yet, we all know that isn’t true.  We know God will love us despite our weaknesses, if we’re striving to live for him. Why then, do we feel the need to be so fake when we’re surrounded by His body?

Perhaps we misconstrue the image of God’s body. Each person has different gifts, and without each individual, the body as a whole doesn’t function correctly. Therefore, if the individual parts are broken and in need of repair; if the people are struggling with stigmatic things; the whole body fails to operate correctly… right? Wrong.

We were never meant to live our lives locked into a mold of fake strength. I’ve talked about this with more than one of my friends recently. Jesus is the one who keeps His body operating correctly. Our faked perfection just shuts other out. We need honesty, not plasticity.

I’ve yet to see someone stand up during a prayer meeting and say, “you know, I’m really struggling.”

We ask all the time for prayer regarding other people. Yet, we’re never so vulnerable as to admit when we’re the ones who need prayer. Everyone’s like that. It’s practically human nature to try and look as good as we can. To keep our reputations from any spot or tarnish. To be strong, independent Christians who believe in community in our heads without actually living it out.

Look at the state of the world: it’s falling apart at the seams. Our international affairs are out of whack, our domestic affairs are going down the tubes too. Our youth has grown  up in a materialized society but found it wanting and as a result go to desperate measures to find what they believe is peace. Our adults are apathetic and the lack of solid role models is just driving the youth down further. And the church is no better! We either compromise at every turn, or focus so much on the rules that we’re driven to legalism. And we’re all falling to pieces because of it!

What we need, is for the leaders in the church, the youth of the church, and every believer in the church together, to stop living a facade. We need to admit that we’re failing miserably. That we do have issues. That some of us are addicts saved by grace, and some of us are pharisee’s saved by grace. We’re all recovering from something… But if we’re not willing to talk about it, recovery never is completed. Perhaps that is one of the main reasons we avoid light being shed on our problems: it’d mean we’d have to do something about them. We’d have to change. We’d have to realize where we went wrong and fix it. We don’t enjoy doing that at all.

My friend Brenna took a step of faith in what she wrote and admitted. She took a step of faith in talking to her parents about it. In being willing to see a counselor about it. In realizing nothing can change until she’s admits something is wrong in the first place. The state of the world and the state of the church especially would be so much different if we got rid of the stigma and actually talked about our problems. Actually dealt with our problems instead of just letting them ferment and grow.

James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

I challenge you to do that: confess your faults to someone and let them pray for you. Maybe your parents, maybe your church family, whoever, just be honest. Then be honest about change. Even if you’re the only person who does, change yourself. Don’t fake your own strength and perfection, but rather, rely on God’s strength and perfection… To borrow a cliché quote: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

That’s what Brenna did. She started with herself. It’s all any of us can do. It’s all I can do, so I can admit  it too: I’m not always ok, I’m an emotional teen girl, I struggle way more than I let on, and sometimes I cry myself to sleep just like anyone else. Sometimes I think hope is just a myth. Sometimes I feel like God is far away. Sometimes I go to church and talk in sunday school and don’t believe half of what I’m saying. I used to do things I still have only admitted to a very select group of close friends and my parents. But I’m learning how to trust God through those things. I’m learning admit my imperfections while relying on Christ’s perfection and completed work on the cross. And if a group of people start to admit those things; start to be honest with themselves and the world, who knows… It may just start a revolution. Let’s start a revolution. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. And we are very weak, so He must be very strong.

[[You see the real me. / Hiding in my skin / broken from within. /
Unveil me completely / I'm loosening my grasp. / There's no need to mask my frailty /
Cause you see the real me.]] 

At fourteen I was a little bit lost. Trying to figure out the world beyond my social bubble. Trying to get past that annoying “I’m  a teen now, so I think I’m super awesome!” stage [not that I wasn’t awesome, but you know. Just kidding. I was annoying.] I got hit with a lot of things at once, and I didn’t react the best. Not many people knew about this blog when I first started it. [My parents included... Oops, I guess I “forgot” to mention it to them. Oh well, they eventually found it.] I’d been writing a journal since I was twelve, but I wanted something a little more versatile I suppose.

Looking back at my earliest posts, they’re depressing. And I was struggling. And I was hurting. And writing became an expression. Originally, I wrote a lot about judgement. A lot about pain. A lot about the way I felt: oppressed. Lonely. Like nobody really understood me. Like Christians were generally failures. Thirteen and fourteen weren’t exactly my favorite years in life. I doubted a lot of things and a lot of my world got shattered.

It’s somewhat cool, cause I can see the progression in my writing through the years, whether it be my journals, blog, whatever. I can see the growth. I can see the ways my faith strengthened, and my heart started to heal. Slowly, but surely, I can see change. I can see the threads of Gods grace weaving themselves throughout my story. And it’s amazing. Not that I’m some amazing person today, but God’s grace is amazing in where He’s lead me from.

Fifteen was a roller coaster ride for me. So much change, and so many incredible things combined with hard things. I wasn’t the same person at fifteen that I was at fourteen. I’m not the same person now, that I was at fifteen. I don’t think the same way, I don’t struggle with the same things. Looking back at the journey of life that’s lead me to the present, I know I’m not done growing. I’m certainly much farther along than that lost fourteen year old. Especially in the area of faith. I’ve learned slowly that God isn’t as far as He felt to me then. I learned to believe in love. Not romantic love necessarily, but the kind of all sufficient love Christ offers through his death for me. But I’m still a work in progress. No where near to completion.

Back then I was ashamed of so many things. I was ashamed of the ways and the things I struggled with. I was ashamed of the evidence of those struggles. I was ashamed of the fact that I didn’t fit the mold I felt shoved in too. Ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t be who people wanted me to be even though I tried desperately. But that wasn’t who God wanted me to be. That mold I felt chained too, God broke to pieces. All the things I couldn’t seem to be, couldn’t seem to pull myself out of, all of it. All of it was a bunch of lies. Lies I don’t believe anymore.

I’m not that person anymore. 

My scars are healed. My heart healed with it. And certainly it’s been broken more than once over the past few years, and will be more than once in the future. But never to the point where it can’t be fixed. I was talking to a dear friend, and she as telling me how recently, she’d realized that she had to conciously choose healing. And how she’d made that choice recently. It was neat because I’d been realizing the same thing…

Recently I got pretty badly hurt by what I thought to be one of my closest of close friends. Looking back over the events surrounding it, I’ve seen some ways I’ve grown up. Even though it’s left me feeling disappointed and sometimes angry, it hasn’t been something I can’t get over. I don’t mean that in a callous way, but rather to say, that person doesn’t define the way I live. I’m choosing to let go of the bad, and remember everything I learned. I’m choosing to heal in this one. It didn’t used to be that way. A year ago, I would have fallen apart had I been in the same situation. I would have boxed myself up and forgotten about trust.

Surprisingly enough, the reason I’m doing ok with it, is because of a lesson this former friend taught me: not to live like anything but God himself, can break me. Why? Because if God is for us, then who could ever stand against us? If He is the one holding our hearts together, who could ever pull us out of his hands? If He has healed us, what created being, can _ever_ open the wounds again?

This world can’t win. At least not permanently. Not in a way that matters for eternity. Not in a way that makes God less powerful. There’s something hopeful about that. Something refreshing. Freeing.

[[Thinking it’s a funny thing / I figured out I can sing / and I’m not who I was.]]

And thus reveals one of the biggest problems in the church today. I’m just going to put it out there: the church today is so stuck on labels, they’re missing their true purpose. Everyone has seen division in churches around them, and most have seen it in multiple churches they’ve attended themselves. In the time I’ve lived in VA, I’ve attended 5 churches. And every single one with the exception of my current one [at least so far] has split or shut down. I go could off forever on all the technicalities of why each one ended the way it did. But quite honestly, what it comes down to ultimately is the need for a label blocking out the true mission of the church.

How can I say all of this is a problem of people being too focused on labels? Well, they all got entirely too focused on bettering the way they looked as a church. They became obsessed with being holier than the world. They wanted more materially. They wanted a level of separation that wasn’t biblical. They disagreed on stupid things. Those are all labels. Labels of being “the best looking church.” Labels of being “the most set apart church.” Labels of being “the most conservative church.” Labels of being “the best” church.

Problem is, that isn’t the purpose of the church. In fact, sometimes it goes ever farther beyond that in that people forget that THEY are the church. THE church is the body of Christ, the body of believers. The church is ANYONE who believes the truth of the gospel and follows after Christ. It doesn’t matter one BIT if you’re baptist, methodist, orthodox, presbyterian, non denominational, calvinist, armenian, charismatic, dispensational, covenantal or otherwise. The ONLY thing that matters, is that you believe the gospel accounts biblically and serve Christ the way he’s commanded in the Bible. Denominations and doctrines outside of salvation matter but salvation matters more. While it’s true that some denominations have less than biblical doctrines in a general sense [and I'm NOT advocating that all those positions are even right], if people attending those churches believe the gospel, they’re still saved and still our brothers and sisters in Christ.

When the Pharisee’s asked Jesus to sum up the commandments by which all Christians should live, he said this. “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40.)

Take note, Jesus did not say “Love the Lord your God, and be the best hymn singing choir you can possibly be.” He didn’t say “Love the Lord your God and have the coolest church ever!” No. He said love God and love others. Period. Upon THOSE two things, the entire law rests.

And we’re here to LOVE people. Really love them. Which means not caring whether they use an NIV Bible or a KJV. Which means not caring if they come to church in skinny jeans and tube tops. The body of Christ is meant to meet people where they’re at. Isn’t that what Jesus did for us? Didn’t He meet us at our lowest place, pick us up, transform us, then send us out to do the same for others? But instead we let criticisms and labels stop us from fulfilling our true purpose. John 13:35 says “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” The church is utterly FAILING at that. And people see more division in churches than they do in street gangs. A long time ago a friend of mine put it perfectly and I might have quoted her before on this but she said something to the extent of, “The gay/lesbian movement sends more of a message of ‘come as you are’ than the church. And there’s something wrong with that.” I couldn’t have put it more perfectly! The entire basis of Christianity relies on sinful people coming to Christ FILTHY. NOT cleaning up their lives first.

Am I suggesting compromise in churches? Absolutely not! I believe living a lifestyle of homosexuality is a sin, but I also believe good conservative people are no less filthy than gay people. Jesus preached a message of “Come to me, and I will give you clean garments.” He didn’t. Advocate. Perfection. First. “it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the SICK.” (Mark 2:17.) And it is not the healthy who need the church, but the SICK. And it is not the LABELs that make the church known, but her LOVE. There is nothing and nobody too far gone, involved in too disturbing a sin, or too horrific, for God to love. He loves gay people as much as he loves you. He loves murderers as much as He loves you… Because you were once as dead as they are. Someone showed us the light, but hiding it from others isn’t going to stop the problems in the world. Isolationism doesn’t solve homosexuality! It doesn’t solve teen suicide! It doesn’t solve eating disorders and self harm! It doesn’t solve abuse and grief! It doesn’t solve for teen pregnancy and starving children! It doesn’t solve for the brokenness! Why do we not get, that ONLY the love of Christ, not the “set apart”ness of his followers can change those things?

Our label in the church shouldn’t be that we’re conservative, baptist, whatevers. Our label should be that we love God and we love people. Our message should be neither tolerance nor hatred. Jesus didn’t tolerate sin, but he did love sinners enough to die for them. I want that to be my legacy. That I loved people. Loved people so much that it came out in everything I did, wrote, said. I want to change my life, my church, my generation, my world, with the love I know in Jesus.

Because I’m a sinner, saved by mercy and grace alone, who loves God and cares very little if people have tattoo’s and nose piercings. Who tries her best to show people that the lifestyle of the world is wrong but in Christ there is freedom. Because THAT’S what changes lives. I want people to KNOW I STRUGGLED and still do, but that JESUS is a RESCUER in times of trials and heartache.

Let the Church and it’s people  be known for their love. Let the labels get shredded to pieces and set on fire. Let us stop quarreling like five year olds over whether we sing hymns or ccm. Because NEITHER are wrong. Let us stop ruining our testimonies by disagreeing over budgets and dress. Let us stop isolating ourselves as  being more holy. Let us stop dividing the body of Christ over denominations and doctrinal disagreements. We are all the body of Christ, no matter where we come from, what our background is, and what our position on predestination is.

I want to leave a legacy that says I didn’t conform to the childish games the church of today plays. A legacy that says I didn’t conform to the compromise either. A legacy that says I stuck to what I believed though no one stood with me. A legacy that says I loved God, not my normal pew. A legacy that says people noticed and were drawn to me because I lived the way I was called to live.

I am not a label. I am not a baptist. I am not a calvinist. I am not a dispensationalist. I am not a believer in religion.

I am a follower of Christ and a lover of those He came to save. Nothing more, nothing less.

[[We represent a generation / that wants to turn back a nation /
To let love be our light and salvation.]]

A year ago today I lost a friend to suicide. Five days from now, will mark the third anniversary of Emily Stauffer’s murder. I knew her too. Not well, but I’m close friends with many of her close friends… I hear the questions. I know they don’t have answers. There’s an incredible lady in my church who’s trying her best fight stage IV cancer. And just last night my best friend was telling me about things she saw while in Bolivia; broken people living in brothels. Children with no families. All of this can seem so far away and out of reach but if anything, I hope this post helps make these people come alive. They were and are living human beings. They aren’t just another news story about teen suicide, murder, disease, prostitution or orphaned children in some far away land. They’re things you see and experience with your own eyes. Things you feel and walk through in real life.

And if your heart isn’t breaking for the world, you aren’t seeing it right. Because once you truly see and understand that brokenness permeates real people, not just names on a news article or in a FB post, it will bother you. You’ll lose sleep over it. Your heart will literally break into pieces. Because you’ll understand there’s something intrinsically wrong in the world. And you’ll realize God loves these broken people that so often get overlooked or dehumanized. Julie was telling me a story about a prostitute in Bolivia, who died, and people kind of gave the “that’s what prostitutes get.” And when people commit suicide, you get told it was “their own choice.” And when someone is murdered, there is anger and outrage towards a killer. And all those third world orphans, who eat cookies made from mud, that we give made a minute of our thoughts too, seem like children that will die anyways. And yet God loves them, shouldn’t that make them worth it to us?

I’m learning that there aren’t answers for everything. In fact, there are answers to very little. And when people ask me “how could a loving God make us live in such a messed up world”, I always have to stop. Not because I don’t know the Sunday school answer: The world is messed up because of sin, and God is loving because he offers us a way out. I do know that answer, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough. It doesn’t justify everything. It doesn’t change much at all. Perhaps it would change more if we turned it into action: Sin makes the world broken, therefore change the way you live so you aren’t living in sin. God is loving because he provides a way out, therefore spread the glorious news of the gospel. But it still doesn’t resolve everything, and I’ll always live with questions that can never be answered this side of heaven.

Perhaps if some questions remain unanswered, my heart will always be broken. And you know, I don’t think I’d want it any different. I want to feel the pain and know I have something worth fighting for. I want to see the desperation of humanity and until my lungs give out and my entire being collapses from the effort, I want to scream that the brokenness is not OK. That I won’t settle to do less than is humanly possible to change that. And I probably won’t see much of a result in this life either. But I won’t settle down and pretend I don’t notice.

My eyes are open, and for all the pain it brings, I’m keeping them that way. There are so many things way more significant than physics and college history. So many things way more significant than debate and writing music. So many things way more significant than me and my life…

Turning a blind eye isn’t the solution. Don’t be afraid to face questions. You won’t be able to answer them but you’ll begin to develop a heart like Jesus had. A heart so broken by the pain of those in the world, you’d do anything to rescue them. And it might cost you a great deal, it cost Jesus his very life. But nothing can be fixed, until you realize it is broken. And once you realize it’s broken, you’ll know you have to do something about the brokenness. Open your eyes.

[[Cause once you see a world that's in need / and a sorrow you just can't ignore, /
Your hearts gonna break and you'll lay awake /
Cause you'll know you could do so much more. / So do you want to know?]]

Wait in the silence / for an answer to come.
Wondering why it’s like this / And you’re not the only one.

Some days it can seem so clear,
Then others all you know is fear
Cause you don’t have all the answers,
and you question why you’re here.

[Chorus]

Wait on God / lift your head,
Point your eyes / to the words He’s said
You might not see / in the here and now,
But there’s always been / beauty here somehow.

[Verse2]

Some times we fall / It’s just a matter of time
And our hearts break to pieces / and some get left behind

Cause friends change, that’s parts of life
Even ones that feel so right,
But you learn to not stop loving
And you learn to be alright.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

Looking back helps nothing
You’ve got to learn to keep
Your regrets and failures
At the Savior’s feet.

Edit: here’s the video.

Love is stronger. Than anything. Than everything. You’re afraid of the pain because you’ve been here too many times before. And as one more relationship falls to pieces, you’re only brought back to the fact that trusting people results in broken hearts. When someone becomes a daily part of you, it’s hard to adjust once you’ve lost them. But you need to remember the truth that has always been. Those people that hurt you, cannot beat you unless you allow them too. They can tear your heart to pieces but they can’t make you stop loving. Because love is greater, and more powerful than fear. More powerful than the fact that if you keep getting lost in yourself. It’s what makes pain so worth it.

It is worth it. Because people do come and go, but while they’re here, they light up your life. If only for a limited time, they help shape the person you become. And when they walk out, that helps shape the person you become too. Because your reaction is everything, and your willingness to forgive is a testimony to who you are inside. You know, people can be spiteful and bitter and hurt without cause but that only matters when you let it get inside your head. When you start believing the things they say about you. They can stab you in the back, but the only reason you can even be truly harmed by it, is when you leave their knives in your heart and let them fester. Wounds heal. But not if you keep ripping them open.

Yes, it’s hard to let go. But when you do let go, it proves that you refuse to be defined by how you’ve been hurt. And if you can hold on to yourself and go right on loving, while they go ripping apart more peoples hearts, you’ve beaten them. And they’re the ones that have lost. Not you. Strength is forgiveness. Weakness is bitterness. Don’t fall prey to the same trap the people who have hurt you, are stuck in.

And if you’re tempted to be taken in by all the things going wrong  and the injustices you’ve experienced. Remember this. Yes, life hurts sometimes. But it doesn’t always. Sometimes it’s beautiful. There are people who inflict pain,  but there are also people who truly care. There are bad people in the world but there are good ones as well. But even if it weren’t, know this: this world is incomprehensible in comparison to you as one small person. There is so much more out there than just you and your hurt. But God, looks down at you and says “You’re mine. I care about what you’re going through and the things you’re confused about” He’s with you even when nobody else is. He’s reliable when the world isn’t. He only tears open wounds in order to heal them. To heal you. Now take that knowledge, let it comfort you and renew you. Then use it to comfort and renew others. You are loved.

Don’t forget.

[[It's not everything you want / but It's everything you need. / It's not always happy endings /
But it's all the in-betweens / It's taken so long / so long to finally see /
That your love is worth the risk. /
Love isn't safe / And that's ok.]]

~~~~~

Waiting for things to happen is brutal even when you know what’s coming. It’s even worse when you know something will happen, but you aren’t sure what, if it will be good or bad, or how you’ll deal with it. I waste a lot of my time on that last part. Worrying, that if certain situations were to happen, how would I react? Could I handle it? Not just about big things, but also about little things too. It drives my friends crazy, but “what will I do if I get a bad grade on [insertassignmenthere]?!” is a rather common question for me. I think a lot about the future and what I might have to deal with. Uncertainty, kills me.

When things come up in life, where the situation could end up fine, or end up horrible, I freak out. My example about school is just a mild example, but if it something worse than that were to happen? What if one of my friends kills his or her self? What if they decided they didn’t want to talk to me ever again? What if my church split again? What if a friend takes her eating disorder too far? Cuts too deep? What if a friend had cancer? What if I end up spending my entire life doing something I hate or married to some jerk? What if something happens, that’s out of my control…?

I don’t like being out of control. I hate it, probably more than anything else in life. But I’m hardly ever actually in control. And I have to remind myself, in those moments when I start stressing myself out about what could happen, that I’m not helping the situation. when It comes down to raw truth: God’s already claimed the drivers seat in my life. He’ll lead me where he wants me to be, and ask me to love Him, no matter where that might be.

That’s terrifying. And I fall too often into allowing myself to say “But God…” But God, what if it’s confusing? But God, what if it’s hard? But God, what if it involves stepping outside my comfort zone? But God, what if I get hurt? But God, what if you’re wrong…? I’d never say the last one in so many words, but that’s the general thought. That God isn’t big enough, and I’m not strong enough, and his direction might result in my own brokenness.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” [I Cor. 10:13]

That means I must walk in trust. Not drag my feet in doubt, but walk with intention. Intention to go where God wants me, no matter the cost. And yes, that does involve sacrifice, pain, and uncertainty. Things I hate. It means not knowing what could happen from day to day. But it’s possible to do because of who God is.

People always say you can only lead as far as you’ve gone yourself. Well I can only write what I know.

And what I know, is that in the changing color of the leaves, the ever growing situations to worry about, and the thoughts that I might just have more than I can handle, there is Almighty God. He isn’t distant and He’s ever faithful. He’s in the whistling winds that tell us Autumn is just around the corner, and the quiet chorus of crickets. He’s in the cool water of the creeks flowing to some unknown places. He’s in the fears of what could happen, and the thrill or pain of what has already happened. Whatever waits for me in the future, he is there molding me and ruling everything. So I can go on. Completing my assignments, talking with my friends, and sleeping at night, He’s there…

What’s helped me most through the hurt of losing friends, the brokenness of watching Christians fail, the uncertain fearfulness of the future, and my own lack of control, is remembering what I already know. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. [Psalm 62:2]

[[I'm letting go of the illusion / I'm letting go of the confusion / I can't carry it another step /
I close my eyes and take a breath / I'm letting go of control.]]

I see the way you avoid eye contact many times while talking to people. I see how you’re good at using a lot of words to say not very much at all, just to cover the fact that you’re afraid of saying something of substance. Because someone might see you. The real you. The one you hide too often. Out of fear. Fear that if anyone realized you’re less than perfect, they’d come to false conclusions. Fear that if anyone knew that you have questions, you cry, and you’re actually human, not some robotic machine, they’d have the ability to hurt you.

I noticed it. I noticed the way you quietly deny compliments and anything positive about yourself. Even when they’re truth you deny them. I saw that. I saw the way that you won’t accept them because you won’t accept that you could be anything more than trash. You don’t believe that you’re worth it. You don’t see yourself as much of anything. Just a person trying to survive in a world you don’t feel worthy to live in.

I caught those things. I caught the way you pulled down your sleeve to cover up old scars. You hoped nobody saw you, but I did. I caught the disgusted look on your face when you glanced down at them. I know that you’re ashamed of the way you live and the choices you’ve made in the past. I know you’re ashamed because the choice in the past still define you in the present. And you’re afraid they’ll still define you in the future.

I understood the look of surprise when I sat down and said hello to you. I understood the way you felt: both afraid and desiring to be heard. I understood, because I used to be exactly the same way as you. I’ve walked that road too. That’s why I noticed you. That’s why I reached out to you. Because I understood that you just needed someone to listen to you.

For all the moments when I’ve hidden who I really am, been afraid because I’m desperately human, refused to accept that I’m worth anything, been ashamed because of who I’m not, tried to hide my scars, and wanted to be heard more than anything else, I write this. These words are written here because I understand far too well. They’re written because I’m not that person anymore, and you don’t have to be either.

I just need you to know that I’m here to fight with you. To walk along side you. To hold you up when you are about to fall. We aren’t meant to live life alone. I’m here until the moment you’re finally comfortable with who you are. I’m here until the moment you finally see the divine purpose Christ has created you to fulfill. I’m here until the moment when you realize that scars are reminders of what God has saved you from. I’m here until the moment when you believe that you’re worth it.

Nothing matters up until that point. And I won’t give up before you reach that point. Not because I am the one who will make you understand the truth that you are loved. But because I love you enough to show you the one who can help you see that you’re not alone.

I heard you, now hear me.

“There is now, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in Jesus. You’re not guilty anymore.”

We’ve discovered life’s not black and white
But our fears cease when we look to Christ
He doesn’t bring us all happy times
Some days He brings us mountains to climb
Some days our path is full of thorns
But we must keep on, though we are torn

Many times, obstacles fill the path
And there is so much we want to ask
Why must we lose the things we love best?
Why are our voices so often suppressed?
We must not let go of our purpose
We must never forget this is worth it

Keep believing in that which is true
There is meaning in all that you do
There’s always a way to victory
It’s not you, but God who gets the glory
One day it will be worth it all
Because you kept the faith and answered Gods call