Not Yet [Who I Wish To Be]

I am not yet the person I wish to be.
This body is full of threads kissing the edges of wounds only sewn half shut.
I am creaking and groaning under the weight of my own bones.
I am held together only by routine, caffeine and eighteen years of
learning how to be seen as more cleaned up than I ever could be.

I am not yet the person that I wish to be.
Sometimes my breathing isn’t as involuntary as it should be,
and my voice cracks when I ask God to be with me.
Sometimes I have to ask my best friends if they love me, even though
I should know it already.
Sometimes I have to ask my heart not to hate me
for the way I flirt with self-destruction,
falling prey to fears seduction.
I do so many things I know I shouldn’t.

I am not yet the person that I wish to be.
But despite the ways I have failed myself
and those around me,
there is something inside me that keeps my heart beating
64 times a minute,
even when I’d rather it didn’t.

And that is why, though I am not yet the person I wish to be,
I still believe that I am getting there.
I am still choosing to believe that my soul
is composed of a million tiny seeds of hope
trying to grow in ice and snow.
And my broken pieces have taught me
how to wear my scars like trophies
won through prayer, without comparing my stains
and tarnish to the stitched up veins
and darkness of others.

I am not yet the person I wish to be.
But I am more alive now than I ever knew I could be.
I will thrive where I am planted
and arrive when I’m meant to do so.
I’ll derive life from mere survival until
I love the sky I’m under,
no matter what’s on either side of me.

I am not yet the person I wish to be.
But I am better than I was last year or last week.
And I know the dead never rise all at once, so
I won’t expect myself too either.
But I will still brush the dust off my bones and slowly
feel my pulse grow from barely beating to a repeating anthem
of second chances greeting the ones I love
with the possibility of life not just fleeting moments.

And I will not try to compete with those around me
when I am already complete on my own.
I will break myself down
and build myself back up until
I’m toughened up enough to believe
I am enough.

I am not yet the person that I wish to be.
But in this moment, I am all that I need to be.

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